Saturday, June 23, 2012

Bouncing off walls of me

Well on this beautiful morning I am sad to say that a serious upset besieges me. Within my self. I keep banging into my own restrictions, my own stuff, my own own barricades.

Let me back track a little, and then a lot, I am seeing this gorgeous lady, just perfect - well almost. As perfect as another person gets I think - what I mean is that we are different but the differences are beautiful and excite me and we are same and these qualities allow me to feel contented calmness and caring. But! There is always a but isn't there? At least in my life there seems to be buts everywhere! So the but here is that she has been hurt not so long ago and in her own words is "not ready to be in a relationship". We spend quite a bit of time together and we go and do lots of things and every time I we do that I am falling for her. This is all well and good but when I spend a little time on my own I get so frustrated because when it's all said and done we are not together! I ask my self this why is this the same as my previous relationship? Why is it the same as quite a few previous encounters? What's with that? Am I trying to somehow set this up to learn something? Should I stay or should I go? This morning, despite of all the beauty was the pits, like really almost angry, well lets get real, I am angry with my self. It's ok tho, because it is subsiding with every one of these words.

So, on this morning's ride back from the pool, I asked my self those very words. Should I stay? How long does one stay? At what point is enough enough? What is making me stay? Two words came up Love and Attachment.  The latter is like hydrochloric acid to a buddhist. It is corrosive, it tarnishes everything and it causes pain - lots of it! I love this girl....I have for quite some time. At which point is enough enough? Well for some time I have been reflecting on self love and what I am deserving of. What I want. And the answer I got a little while ago dropped like a flake of butter on a hot toast - contentment! I want someone I can freely love. Here the word freely seems to need expanding on. Actually, what is stopping my freely loving? Hmmmm. I can, except, only some is returned.......  so this returns me to frustration........or is there a better way to understand this?

And, when do I go? Well, on much reflection, when love goes, seems to resonate. Simple despite all the huff and puff of this ego. The somewhat one sidedness is killing me and the love and attachment is causing me much pain.  Now I will write down the other thing she appended to the sentence on being hurt....and I'm not sure that when I am through I want a relationship with you. The more we spend time together the more these words ring in my head. Warning bells...

So after a little evasion of cars I have veered into-the-path-of whilst deep in thought I am putting these words out there not only to do my "morning pages" but also to open my own heart, share and discharge these thoughts and feelings.

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